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Monday, June 20, 2016

why we're not finding out

I have to be honest. After six months of pregnancy and, especially, three months of being publicly pregnant, I have started to cringe whenever the question of "do you know what you're having?" comes up in a conversation. Of all things pregnancy related, I never could have guessed that this would be the most controversial subject. And yet it has been.

We don't know whether this little one is a boy or a girl. We have no intentions of knowing before the make their debut into the world and the doctor announces that we're the parents of a (insert gender here). I do have to give credit to my incredibly supportive husband - he wants to know. He's only accepting not knowing because it means so much to me.

Other people? They have very vocal opinions. There is no middle ground that I've noticed when it comes to this subject. My answer to that question is always met with either shock and disbelief or complete excitement. No more, no less. I guess what truly gets to me is the fact that I never imagined that I would have to justify my choice. But that's exactly what I've had to do time and time again, to family members, friends and even strangers, I always have to explain how on Earth I could possible want to wait.

Let me begin by telling you a little about me. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of becoming a mom. When other little girls were dreaming of their fairy tale weddings or how they'd make their big career goals come true, I was daydreaming of my life as a wife and mommy. I've always felt that I was born to have children, to love and care for my family. And in all of those daydreams, it was just a given that I'd find out whether my little miracle was a boy or a girl in the same moment that I met them for the first time. There's never been a question of "if" in my mind.

Now let me answer some of the questions/comments that inevitably come up when I'm met with the shock and disbelief of those who can't understand my choice.
How? You're crazy! I'd never be able too wait!;  It probably helps that, as I mentioned, it's never been a question for me whether or not I'd find out. I've always wanted to wait. I haven't had so much as a moment of reconsidering. It's no more difficult for me waiting to find out their gender as it has been waiting for him/her to be born - which is to say, of course, that I am counting down the days. But not knowing isn't driving me crazy - if anything, it's just one more reason to be excited for the day when I finally get to meet this baby.

How will you know what to buy/how to decorate?; My husband and I often joke that we'll make our decision about whether or not we want more than one baby after we see if this first one is a terror. But truthfully, our intentions are to have at least one more. So rather than having a room full of gender specific clothes and decorations that we may not be able to use if/when we have another baby of a different gender than our first, we'll have plenty of neutral items that can be reused. I'm 96% sure that our baby isn't going to come home, look around their room and scoff that it isn't decorated with pink flowers or sports stuff.

And along those same lines...

How is anyone else going to buy you anything?; I get it. You're at a store and you see an adorable, gender specific outfit that you'd love to get for us as a gift... but you have no idea what we're having. All I can really say to that is you'll know in a few months and can buy all the cute outfits you want. But until then, you'd be amazed at how many gender neutral items are available and completely adorable. I would know... I have registries on Amazon & Babies-R-US that are stuffed full of everything you could dream of getting for us if you want to help/spoil our little one.
In the end, what you really need to know and understand is that not finding out is the decision that I have made and while you certainly don't have to understand or agree with it, it's not going to change and I would greatly appreciate if you at least respected it. Because thanks to the well intended "teasing" questions of "why are you doing this to me?" and "what is wrong with you?", I have grown to absolutely dread being asked about gender. I internally cringe and prepare myself for having to defend my choice and I don't think that any pregnant woman should have to defend something like that. It's a personal decision and it's the one that we have made and that is all that anyone truly needs to know.


  1. Beautifully said my darling daughter!

  2. Neither of us really knew whether we wanted to find out or not. I've got friends who, like you, felt strongly that they wanted to wait, and others who needed to know as soon as they possibly could. Neither of us felt strongly either way. We ended up finding out but keeping it to ourselves, and with hindsight I'm glad we knew because I didn't set eyes on him til 6 hours after he was born. It's totally your decision though and people really should respect that. Unfortunately (and you'll see this soon enough I'm sure!) having a baby makes people think they can air their opinions with complete disregard and disrespect for your feelings. As long as you do what's in the best interests of your little family, that's all that matters.

  3. Wow I never realized what a personal decision that really is! I've been one to say "oh my gosh how can you now know, that'd kill me!" And that's so rude of me lol! I don't have babes yet, but even in my marriage I've made certain choices that were different and people have REALLY PISSED me off with there questions, so I feel like I totally get this! And it THE END of the world if you don't have the right color clothes lol? Like OMG what if it's a girl and she doesn't have a pink headband to go home in! Lol. Pretty silly. Good for you for voicing this! MorningApple

  4. I found out because I simply couldn't stand the waiting but I totally understand what you're saying! Such a personal decision and your prerogative-- also, I knew I was having a girl but totally went gender neutral and even put lots of blues in my registry!