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Friday, December 30, 2016

Dear Jaxon | Three Months

*this was supposed to be posted on Thursday the 29th - what can I say? Babies and plans don't always go together*

Dear Jaxon,

Today, my son, you are three months old. That's 1/4 of a year and far more time than it feels has actually passed. Where did this time go? Next week, mommy goes back to work and I'm still feeling very mixed emotions about that. I'm certainly excited to see the kids at school again and to tell them all about you, and my days are very short. And your grandparents are very excited to get to watch you. But I also haven't spent so much time away from you and I'm going to miss you, even if only for a few hours. 
This past weekend, we celebrated your very first Christmas. While you're too young to understand any of it, you were amazed watching us open your gifts. Your favorites were a little giraffe blanket and a Rudolph rattle. They've been by your side ever since. Next year, we'll get to see you really begin to absorb the magic that is happening around you and I look forward to watching you discover all of it. But just getting to wake up on Christmas morning and see your big smile made it my best Christmas ever. 
Yesterday, little man, was a big day for new accomplishments. Suddenly, you tried to roll over while on your play mat. Then you eventually spun yourself around so your head was on the opposite side from where you started. And if those weren't enough, when I put you on your tummy, you pushed up and held yourself there. Mommy was amazed and excited and sad all at once. You're growing so quickly!
As for everything else - you're still a great sleeper, although you've had some shorter nights recently... most likely due to your rapid growing. You're eating 6 ounce bottles every 3-4 hours. And that voice! This week, you've really learned to control that voice of yours and you love "talking" as loud as you possibly can! You've outgrown your 3 month clothes and are officially in 6 months. We don't go to the doctor to get you weighed and measured until next month, but after weighing myself and then doing so again while holding you, I'd say you're just under 15 pounds. You are growing way too fast!
You still prefer playing with mommy, daddy and Izzy or any of your other family members over toys, but you've definitely started to notice toys more - especially those Christmas gifts I mentioned and the toys over your play mat. You love when mommy sings to you and you're starting to like story time. You still love bath time and snuggles and are a very good baby. 
More than anything, I continue to love you more each and every day. Each morning that I get to wake up and be your mommy is the very best day.

I love you to the moon and back, 

Monday, December 19, 2016

What do I want for Christmas?

What do I want for Christmas. It's a simple question and one that I've been asked a few times over the last several weeks, with the holiday quickly approaching. And yet, it's a difficult one to answer.

If you had asked me this 15 years ago, I'd have handed you a list two pages long that was filled with toys and CD's and movies and books. 10 years ago and my list would have been smaller - mostly filled with gift cards so that I could have the gift of shopping. Even 5 years ago, I could have at least rattled off a few books, a perfume or something else small that I wanted.

But today? Today, as I look around the room that I'm sitting in, I can't imagine wanting for anything. The man that I've always dreamed about marrying and spending a life with is asleep on the couch next to me after a long day of working hard to provide for his family. The little boy that I have always wanted, that I prayed for and wished for, is sleeping in his bouncer, making soft little sleepy noises every few minutes that make my heart feel like it could burst. The dog that I always wished that I could have and never knew how much I would love is asleep under the Christmas tree, not far from that little boy that she adores and protects at all times.

My entire world, everything I've ever wanted and needed, is right here in front of me, safe and sleeping peacefully while I watch over them, thanking God that they are here and that they are mine. Nothing that can be wrapped up in a box or bag could possibly compare.

This life, my life, is all that I want for Christmas.
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Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Tis The Season | Jaxon's First Holidays

The holiday season is in full swing. It's everywhere around us. And I have the best reason to be excited about this particular season. Between following traditions that are already in place and making new ones, I am so excited about Jaxon's first Christmas.

So far this season, Jax has visited Santa and spent a snowy afternoon with us while we helped pick out my in-law's Christmas tree. We also spend every evening watching Christmas movies by the light of the Christmas tree - okay, he doesn't watch the movies. But still. We then end each night with a winter/holiday themed story before bedtime.
And I may have also ordered Christmas pajamas for all of us to wear on Christmas Eve... my husband is an amazing man for putting up with me sometimes, I swear.

I have spent so much time thinking about all of the new traditions that I want to add as he gets older. The movies we'll watch, the stories we'll read and the activities that will fill our days. Even though I want so much for him to stay this little snuggle bug, I also can't wait to watch him fall in love with the magic of this season.

How are you celebrating the holidays? 
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Tuesday, December 6, 2016

The Ornament Tradition

I don't know about you, but I am an absolute sucker for traditions. And I feel like this time of year, I have more of them that I hold close to my heart than any other season. From putting up the tree the day after Thanksgiving to the movies I have to watch to staying in my pajamas on Christmas day and many more in between, it's just a season for tradition.
But my favorite Christmas tradition rarely actually takes place during the Christmas season. It started back in September of 2011. My husband and I had been dating for six months and we took a day trip to Galena, Illinois and spent the day walking around to all of the little shops and having lunch and being adorably in love. As you do when you're celebrating your six month anniversary, of course. At one of the shops, they had Christmas ornaments with names on them and we happened to find both of our names. Adam's name is easy to find, but finding my name spelled right isn't always easy. So we bought them.
At some point either that Christmas or the following year, we bought similar ornaments at a dollar store. But at this point, it still wasn't something intentional. Just a coincidence that they had our names again.
It wasn't until three years later, on our honeymoon in October of 2014 that it had become a habit. When we went somewhere new together, it had just become my first instinct to look for a special ornament to add to our tree. On that trip, we came home with three. A sand dollar with Santa on a surfboard to remember the town we were staying in. Santa on a rocket ship from the Kennedy Space Center. And a bride & groom Minnie & Mickey mouse sitting in a wedding ring - to celebrate both our newly married status and, of course, Disney World! It was on that trip that it became a cemented tradition.
The following year, for our one year wedding anniversary, we went back to Galena and picked out a sparkly red heart with a lock and key.
This year, our newest addition is my favorite one yet. Over the weekend, we took a trip to Williams Tree Farm, our first time there, so that Jaxon could visit Santa. Unlike at the mall, we can take our own pictures for free! While there, I knew we had to pick out an ornament. We found a little blue onesie ornament that says "Baby's First Christmas" and it is absolutely perfect. It celebrates a lot of firsts. Our first trip to the tree farm, Jax's first time seeing Santa, and his first Christmas. It is the best addition to our tree and to our tradition!

What is your favorite tradition?

Friday, December 2, 2016

Jaxon's Birth Story | Part Two

The story of Jaxon, part two...

At around 1:00am on Thursday morning, I was told that I was dilated to 10 but the doctor wanted to wait for the baby's head to move down a little more before I started to push. Shortly after, I couldn't wait anymore. I started pushing at around 2:00am with little progress. This baby didn't want out. After three hours of on and off pushing, I didn't think I could do it anymore. Physically, I was exhausted. Mentally, I was resigned. Every push left me more and more convinced that I couldn't do this. I couldn't get the baby out. I begged for a c-section... and was told no. While this was typically the cut off point of pushing, the baby was stuck too far down and we would both be at risk if they tried the c-section. I had to keep pushing. At some point (time is a hazy concept during all of this), the on-call doctors switched and a new one came in. She was amazing. With her, a whole team of techs and nurses, and my own support team of my husband, my mom and my mother-in-law, things finally happened. My husband and his mom were behind me, pushing me up. My mom and a nurse had my legs and were pushing them back. And finally, the baby started moving down. After what could have been minutes or hours, I really have no idea, my not-so-little baby was finally coming out. 

Side note: Remember that epidural? It wore off for the last hour... I. Felt. Everything. 

At 8:31am on Thursday, September 29th, after nearly forty hours of induced labor and six hours of on and off pushing, I heard the words "it's a boy" and I cried. I only got to hold him for a few seconds because after all of that, he'd gone to the bathroom at some point and they had to make sure that he was okay and get him on precautionary antibiotics, just in case. A few minutes later, I was told that my beautiful boy was 9 pounds 5 ounces and 21 inches long and his head was 14 inches around. All I could think was that yes, I believe it. I felt every inch and every pound. 

He was worth it. Every hour. Every contraction. Every failed epidural. He was worth it all. Aside from the hell he gave me while coming out, he has been perfect ever since. He's healthy and happy and only cries when he needs something. At two months old, he is sleeping for eight hours at night. He is perfect. 

As for me, I was left severely anemic after having him. This has lead to an ER visit the night after we brought him home, where I was diagnosed with heart palpitations. I've been seeing a doctor and taking iron and they're getting better. I was also not able to breastfeed. I tried, but quickly discovered that he was getting very little from me. For a few weeks, I tried to both nurse and supplement with formula while getting my anemia under control, hoping that I'd be able to maintain my small supply and eventually increase it. But that didn't happen. By the time he was one month, my supply was non-existent. It was disappointing, but I try not to be too hard on myself for it. There's nothing wrong with formula, he's healthy and happy, and there was nothing that I could have done that I didn't already try.

Life is better now than we ever could have dreamed of.

Jaxon's Birth Story | Part One

This post is coming just a little later than I anticipated writing it. I always intended on sharing his story within the first couple of weeks after having him, even before we knew that it was a "him" that I'd be talking about. But life happens. At first, I was too hormonal and emotional to even talk about it. I seriously started crying one night listening to my husband telling a friend about all I went through - hormones... they're no joke. 

And then time just got away from me. I've spent most of the last two months enjoying my time with Jax, staring at his face and generally putting off everything else. What can I say? Spending time staring at that little face is far more important than cleaning or writing or anything else. Maybe when he stops changing so much so quickly, I'll get better at doing things. 

The story of Jaxon... 

My due date of September 15th came and went exactly as I expected it to. I can't explain why, but for months before I was due, I was telling people that he would be late. I just had this feeling deep in my soul. Turns out, I was correct. Eleven days after he was due to make his entrance, on Monday, September 26, I had yet another appointment to check on how he was doing (healthy, comfortable, showing little sign of wanting to come out). This was when my doctor decided that induction was happening. He didn't want me waiting a full two weeks and this baby was clearly in no rush to come out on their own. (note: we still didn't know gender at this time) And so he set it up and told me to head to the hospital the next day at 3:00pm. They'd start Cervidil that night and Pitocin the next morning. I texted my husband and my mom to let them know the plan and then I went home and waited. Part of me was still hoping that I'd go into labor on my own in the next 24 hours. I did not. 
This was taken right before we left for the hospital. My last moments with my girl before she lost her only child title ;)
On Tuesday, Adam and I got everything ready to go for our trip to the hospital. We dropped Izzy off at Adam's parents house, went to Target for a few last minute things and just to waste some time, and had lunch at Panera. Then it was time to head to the hospital. Very few people knew that we were going in. I probably made some people a little angry, but I wanted to be left alone so I could focus on labor, and so I decided that the only people we were telling were parents, siblings and grandparents. We checked in, got situated and after a few hours, they started the Cervidil. I was also given an Ambien that night to help me get some sleep, which I am so grateful for because those 4ish hours of sleep were all I really got for the next couple of days. 

Contractions were already going when I was given the Pitocin on Wednesday morning at around 6:00am. The baby's head had moved down a lot, which was a major improvement from where I'd been before. I was still barely dilated, but progress was happening and I was having contractions, so I was hopeful that I'd have a baby by the end of the day. My mom took the day off work and my mother-in-law, who works in the same hospital that I was in, got off early so she could come join us. The next 24 hours are kind of a blur, but I will do my best to remember the big details. 

I was given Dilaudid at one point for the pain. The first dose helped. The second did nothing. Eventually, I was dilated enough and was in enough pain that I went for the epidural. Aside from having to be induced instead of going into labor on my own, I'd say that this was the start of my troubles. The anesthesiologist came in, put in the epidural and had to take it out. He'd hit a blood vessel and I immediately felt my heart racing and felt lightheaded when the medicine started. He tried again and had the same result. Two attempts. Two failures. I was hysterical. Sobbing. I wanted everyone gone. I didn't want to try again. After I calmed down, the on-call doctor convinced me to try again with a different anesthesiologist. Thank the lord, this one went in and started working right away. For a bit... 

Somehow, shortly after it was started, the epidural catheter shifted and wasn't working correctly. He came back in, adjusted it and I was good to go again. A while later, the baby had moved down and was blocking the medicine from getting to one side of my body. He gave me a bit more medicine and I was good again.